I'm a member of the generation that was born with a video game controller in their hands. I grew up on the Atari 2600 (I own two copies of E.T.), cut my teeth on a NES controller, and can remember renting a Virtual Boy from Blockbuster. It came in a Pelican Case and you felt like a complete bad ass walking out of the store. I've watched sprites turn into polygons, and polygons turn into CGI renderings. I've seen pixelated fireballs turn into "fire tech", and marveled at the sight of water rippling across the vast lakes of Skyrim.
Jeff's plan to fix the WWE in just seventy five easy steps.
Opening Match - Outlaws vs. The Ascension
Crowd chanting "You've still got it" early on. Good for them. This match should be a lot more of a squash than it has been so far. If WWE wants to push The Ascension, this isn't the way to do it. Outlaws look good. Ass-ension look sloppy.
Winner: Ascension wins with some stupid leg sweep combo thing. This was a really bad match. I'm not sold on these guys being the next road warriors.
Recap of RAW
Hey, it's the Stinger. Did he get hair plugs? LOLCENAWINS. Is Sting's trench coat made out of crushed velvet?
Steph and Aitch
Wondering where Sting is. Let's bash WCW because they've been around since...when? Does Steph have small hands or is that a 6+? Enter Paul Heyman. You kinda get the impression Heyman would drill a hole in the women's locker room?
Heyman is pushing Brock. I wonder if we see a Lesnar face turn tonight?
Tag Team Championship Match - Miz/Dow vs. The Usos
They announced Mizdow first. That's...interesting. Then the Usos came out and did their poorly rehearsed yell thing. How are these guys still champions?
Big pop for Mizdow. Big boos for Miz. I have to think tonight is the night this team splits. "Mizdow's Awesome" chants. Let us not forget that The Miz got his start on Real World.
One of the Usos just missed a spot, landed right on the floor outside on his head. Crowd chanting "You fucked up". Again. I don't like the Usos.
Neat little spot at the end, Usos retain the titles. Mizdow shown watching the action from the floor.
Why are we advertising The Network when I'm watching the Rumble on The Network?
Divas Match - Bellas vs. Paige and Natalya
Time to go shower. Are the Bella Twins the worst female wrestlers in history?
Winner: The Bellas
Taking a break with some pretty cool old school Rumble promos
I really like the Dust Brothers. Also, Mizdow "messed up" and, of course he did.
Triple Threat Match - Cena vs. Rollins vs. Lesnar
Crowd singing along to Cena's music with "John Cena Suuuuuucckks". Why not turn him this match?
Lesnar gets a pop. Rollins got...a Rollins reaction. I get that he's being pushed as the future of the WWE, but I just can't stop hearing Screech. Lesnar double suplexes Jamie and Joey. That was pretty awesome. Rollins needs to learn how to take a suplex bump.
Rollins looks like he's just going to play third wheel in this match. He also talks too much. You can hear him calling spots.
Poor Spanish announce table. This was a great match. I don't know how you can top it, especially if the Rumble goes the way it's rumored. Also, I was wrong about Rollins. He impressed me in this match. Looked real good. I did, however, completely lose track of the number of AA's that were given out.
Lesnar out of nowhere after "breaking a rib" and somehow a single F5 puts out Rollins.
Winner: Lesnar. Big surprise, right?
Miz draws #1. Fake Mystikal draws #2. I'm not live-blogging this.
Bubba Ray Dudley draws #3. That's awesome. He's also mildly racist, apparently.
The Boogeyman came out? I think they've gone full-on sideshow with this Rumble. And just like that, he's gone.
DDP has on skinny jeans, tucked into his boots, like a basic bitch. Also hurt his back throwing a diamond cutter.
I'll just put this here now, and hope I have to change it in the morning.
Winner: Roman Reigns, garbage ending.